To serve breakfast in Nigeria does not mean what you think it means. In other parts of the world, serving breakfast is a romantic gesture, a sign that you care about your partner so much that you would go through all the trouble of waking up early so you can surprise them with a meal in bed.
However, Nigeria, being Nigeria, of course, managed to take such a romantic gesture and put a twist on it. Where serving breakfast in other countries leaves someone feeling full of love and food, to serve breakfast to someone in Nigeria is to rip their heart out, preferably into so many pieces that they have a lot of difficulty picking up said pieces.
Breakfast is now synonymous with heartbreak in the country’s unofficial lingua, and just as breakfast is the most important meal of the day, heartbreak is seen as an inevitable and inescapable experience that everyone must go through. Hence, the popular slang, “Last last, everybody go chop breakfast.”
Now, we’re not gonna go into why breakfast is such a staple of adulthood and why you must try it (willingly or unwillingly) before marriage (I don’t know if it still qualifies as breakfast if it is served between married couples). That’s not why we’re here. We’re here because, at this point, we’re no longer interested in the relationship, and we’re seeking an out.
To serve breakfast to someone is never fun, and for a variety of reasons: maybe their family members are awesome, and you’ll miss them, or they supported you during some particularly tumultuous time in your life. It might even be the sex, and you’re worried you might never meet another throat goat in your life or a piston who can go a hundred strokes in sixty seconds and take you to the Pearly Gates twelve times in one night. It is no easy feat.
Well, you have come to the right place. Have a seat, and lemme just grab my glasses before we begin this session. And hey! Don’t touch the candy. They’re for show, not to be licked (if I gave them to everyone who came in here, do you think you’ll meet them there?)
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Table of Content hide 1How to serve breakfast: The nice version 1.1Make sure you actually want to break up 1.2Think about what you will say and how the other person might react 1.3Be honest — but not brutal 1.4Remind yourself that not all relationships last forever 1.5Say it in person 2Haha! Psyche! 3How to serve breakfast PROPERLY: The Yoruba demon version 3.1Encouraging them to get vulnerable with you, then withdraw 3.2Get caught cheating 3.3Choose someone close to them as your next boo-bae 3.4Making them believe they’re the problem 3.5Ghost themHow to serve breakfast: The nice version
Here are some ways to properly end a relationship so that everyone leaves with their feelings, if not wholly intact, at least not so broken that they need a broom to sweep the pieces up:
Make sure you actually want to break up
Ever seen one of those scenes where someone breaks up with their partner and then later comes back begging them for forgiveness? That’s what happens when you don’t give enough thought to such serious action. Before you decide to serve breakfast to your boyfriend or girlfriend, be sure you think it through and that it is what you want.
Whatever it is that is causing the rift, analyze the situation carefully and explore all possible actions of reparation. Don’t just do surprise breakups where everything seems fine, and then one day, you’re like I’m leaving today. The shock that this out-of-the-blue breakup brings can be very traumatizing and hard to get over.
Share your concerns and doubts with your partner if you think it will help because, by such communication, the relationship can even be saved, and breakfast can stay in the freezer.
You should not try to serve breakfast as a rash decision you make in the middle of an argument or a card you play to use to control your partner; the latter is just passive-aggressive and downright manipulative and certainly not part of a healthy relationship.
Think about what you will say and how the other person might react
Once you have decided that there is no way forward but to end it, it is important to think about what you want to say before the time comes, the conversation is bound to be stressful, and in situations like that, the logical and rational parts of the brain tend to go into hiding, so you could write down your thoughts so that even in the heat of the moment, you can communicate effectively.
It also helps to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and how they might react. Will they be sad? Hurt? Mad? Surprised? Mayhaps even relieved? Do you think they might cry or lose their temper? How will you deal with that kind of reaction? This can help you be sensitive and evaluate the tone with which you deliver the message.
Keep it direct, neutral, non-blameful, non-accusatory, compassionate, and honest.
Be honest — but not brutal
There is a fine line between honesty and brutality, and it tends to get a little blurred in situations like this. Honesty does not mean harsh, no matter how much people mix it up. Tell the other person what attracted you in the first place, then why you want to move on. Don’t pick their qualities apart in a bid to explain why it is not working.
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Remind yourself that not all relationships last forever
It never feels good to serve breakfast to your partner, especially if you care deeply for them, but it is also not wrong because not all relationships are meant to last forever. If it is not working for you, it is perfectly okay to walk away because if you force yourself to remain in a bid not to cause pain, you are ultimately just moving the hurt a few markers down the road for the both of you.
So, do your mental health a favor, because you owe it to yourself — and them — to speak up when you know the relationship isn’t working out so that you can both move on to better things.
Say it in person
You have shared a lot with this person, so the least you could do is respect them by breaking up in person. If you live far away, you could video chat or at least make a phone call. Breaking up through texts or ghosting might seem easy, but think about how you’d feel if it were done to you.
Haha! Psyche!
Alright, now I want you to take everything you have read above, and toss it into the dustbin. Yep, you read that right. I’m pretty sure any Evangelist of Vawulence that is reading this would have been getting pissed line-by-line as peace was preached. Well, fret not, Comrade; the vawulence is here. Peace was never an option. Na disguise we just dey.
Wait, why are you regular folks surprised? Didn’t you see the title of the article? We’re serving breakfast here, and all this empathetic crap doesn’t feature in our plans. To serve breakfast properly is to do it with the utmost cruelty and no regard for the other person’s wellbeing or state of mind; you have been served breakfast before, so it is time to be the waiter.
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How to serve breakfast PROPERLY: The Yoruba demon version
It is time to unleash our Yoruba demons and learn to serve breakfast properly, so that the mere thought of your name or even the letters will bring anguish to your ex and send them into depression.
Encouraging them to get vulnerable with you, then withdraw
This is, hands-down, one of the cruelest ways to serve breakfast to someone, because it is simply emotional manipulation, and to pull it off requires a certain level of… mastery. I mean, it is natural for someone to read into every little action after they have opened up to you about their insecurities, or any other thing they might have done that will make you look at them differently.
And boom! You don’t disappoint them, and you start to withdraw slowly. It is called the slow fade, in which you let communication slowly decline, and the vibe you guys once had also deteriorates over time. Trust me, it will do serious damage to their self-esteem and trust issues in the future. But what is your own? You’ve already moved on to the next conquest.
Get caught cheating
I don’t know about you, but cheating is one of my no-nos, because for someone who has issues trusting in the first place, catching my partner cheating will just re-affirm my decision that human beings are the absolute worst (no be say I no get my own wahala too o, but still… a standard is a standard).
But for those who have a slightly more forgiving spirit, it is worse when it is not the first time because, alongside a broken heart, you’re left doubting yourself and your capacity for relationships. Maybe it is me, you think. Maybe I pushed him/her to do it. And that is just brutal.
Choose someone close to them as your next boo-bae
It is bad enough to serve breakfast to someone, but when they find out that the other person is someone close to them, like their friend or sister/brother? Ouch! And then it just gets worse when you remember how you cried on their shoulder, and they even comforted you, all the while knowing that they’re the source of the pain.
Making them believe they’re the problem
Relationships can end for a clear-cut reason like cheating, but more often than not, it is not usually as pointed as this. It is either someone gives up too soon, or the other isn’t committed enough for the long road. Whatever the reason, each party will always have its share of the blame.
When this happens, some people’s first instinct is to get out of taking responsibility. They are never at fault, but their ex should have done better. This may not seem as bad as other ways to serve breakfast on this list, but that doesn’t mean it’s good too.
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Ghost them
Of course, we saved the best for the last! Ghosting is not common for common sake; it is considered the absolute worst way to end a relationship, as it robs the ghosted party (ghostee?) of the most important thing needed to get through a breakup – closure. Unlike the slow fade option, where there may be signals if you know where to look, ghosting leaves not much clue or reason.
One minute you are an item, talking every day and all, and the next, they are just gone. The hardest part is trying to determine when to begin the healing process, all the while wondering what could have possibly gone wrong and whether they will still come back.
To ghost someone is to serve breakfast to them à la carte.
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