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According to Richard C. Shelton, M.D., a psychiatry professor at the University of Alabama School of Medicine, there's a name for what I was experiencing: rage attacks. They most likely result from decreased production of serotonin—the neurotransmitter that SSRIs increase in the brain—which can lead to aggression, says psychiatrist Steven P. Levine, M.D.
"Rage would be an uncommon, although not rare, experience after SSRI discontinuation," Dr. Shelton tells me. "Rage attacks are often accompanied by anxiety and can be similar to panic attacks."
It took around six months for these feelings to subside, and in the end, I was glad to be off the meds. The lethargic version of myself I'd become after starting SSRIs gave way to the intensely driven version I knew before going on them. I went from being complacent with a 9-to-5 I didn't really enjoy to wanting more out of my work, and I started building my own career on nights and weekends. Another plus was that I could orgasm with relative ease again.
But the anger never totally went away. I'm not reliving every infuriating moment of my life every morning anymore, but I do get incredibly pissy at random times. Dr. Shelton and Dr. Levine both tell me this is pretty rare, since SSRI withdrawal symptoms usually go away after a few weeks or months. But for largely unknown reasons, a small percentage of people experience them for years. Often it's a sign that the SSRI was really covering up a preexisting emotional issue that got worse over time.
Some of the coping skills I learned during withdrawal still work for me now. I go on daily runs (in my exercise clothes this time!) to get out my aggression so I don't take it out on anyone else—though sometimes I do, usually by picking fights with my boyfriend. Having a good cry also helps get it out. I've noticed it's more likely to flare up when something else is wrong—like I didn't get enough sleep or I've been pressured into doing something I don't really feel like doing—so I treat it as a sign to take better care of myself.
But perhaps my best coping strategy has been to realize this anger and aggression aren't really me. A feeling has less power when you view it as a chemical imbalance, not your true personality. Whether my rage fits result purely from SSRI cessation or something more innate, I know my desire to form caring relationships is bigger than them.
So recently I apologized to my boyfriend for the fights I pick with him. "Sometimes I'm not even mad at you. I'm just already mad and then find something to be mad about," I explained.
"I already knew that," he laughed. "I can tell when you're just grumpy."
"But thanks for admitting it," he added. "You're a good girl."
"Yeah," I said, "I guess I still am." For a while, I'd really believed I wasn't. But at that moment, I saw my rage for what it was: just another battle I'm fighting—and beating.
