“It’s demystified this idea that dating is easier for some women than it is for others,” says Ellie,* another group member. “Not to say there aren’t privileges that exist, but it was certainly helpful for me in terms of reframing my understanding of dating. It’s not a competition with other women, but holding men to a much higher standard than I had before.”
It’s not lost on me, however, that some of the behavior that’s encouraged and facilitated in Are We the Dating the Same Guy would be cause for concern if exhibited by potential suitors. Photos, details of private conversations, and screenshots posted without the other party’s consent or knowledge are plentiful. People dig up social media profiles on a near daily basis. And it doesn’t take much for a date to get put on the hot seat. Though Deanna enjoys being in the group, she has some reservations. “Sometimes you see people posting ‘If he wanted to, he would’ about paying for things or picking you up in an Uber,” she says. “But I think you run into the problem where it can become this echo chamber of ‘Men have been pushing us around for so long, we’re going to give it right back.’”
Deanna’s comments touch on a common debate: Would Are We Dating the Same Guy be considered appropriate if the sexes were reversed? Interestingly enough, this thought exercise was put to the test when a male-centric group called Are We Dating the Same Girl NYC materialized. The Facebook group used the same community guidelines nearly verbatim, and even added a disclaimer that the group was directly inspired by its predecessor.
But when the original group caught wind of its male counterpart, an overwhelming number of comments said it was disgusting and unacceptable for men to post photos, screenshot dating profiles, and discuss women in this way. While a few joked that now all of their boyfriends were going to find out about each other, plenty called them incels.
We still live in a patriarchal society—so until we’re truly equal, these online interactions will have different reverberations depending on each person’s background. Even so, can a group like this really be vigilante empowerment on one side of the coin and reprehensible incel horror on the other? Are We Dating the Same Guy is hyperlocal and interpersonal—only really useful for those who live and date in the city the group is based in. The women, and the men they post about, could be your neighbor, coworker, friend, family member, or most recent Hinge match. And yet there’s a depersonalization that comes with operating on the internet, making it all feel like a game. It’s not a stretch to say this is objectifying to the dates involved in both groups—especially when the details of private interactions, conversations, and even photos are being shared without their knowledge or consent, sometimes for the purpose of sheer entertainment.
It’s hard to reconcile this with all the positive potential a group like this could have for women. “I’ve heard horror stories where you google a guy and find out that he’s got domestic violence charges,” Deanna says. In this case, who wouldn’t want a place where we can warn others to steer clear? The trouble is where to draw the line. Most would appreciate a heads-up about a serial cheater, but does it also make sense to “warn” the women of your community about a guy who Venmo-requested you to split drinks after the date? What about someone who ghosted you?
