Movie Review: The Heartbreak Kid

No, this won't be an old-timers' rant that they don't make movies like they used to, and shouldn't try. If any movie deserves ndash; no, demands mdash; an update, it is Elaine May's carbon-dated comedy, written by no less a dated talent than Neil Simon, that isn't as funny now as when I was a teenager.p>But that movie stood out from the pack in its time; a sly, sophisticated jab at the way love goes, especially in movies where wedding vows and ldquo;the endrdquo; had gone hand-in-hand too long. May's The Heartbreak Kid had the audacity to pose a selfish jerk as a hero, by posing an even more self-centered woman as the siren luring him from his bride. Nobody won, least of all the bride.p>Nothing about the remake is audacious since we've seen the Farrellys' earlier work and every Knocked Up they've inspired. We've heard senior citizens talk dirty and we've seen sex played for pain. Even prosthetic genitalia doesn't get the dialogue-drowning laughs anymore that There's Something About Mary did nearly a decade ago by snagging ldquo;beans and franksrdquo; in a zipper.p>But the key reason why the Farrellys' Heartbreak Kid doesn't work is nailed in an HBO making-of special I saw after screening their movie.p>The filmmakers describe their star, Ben Stiller, as an easy guy to root for ndash; which doesn't match Charles Grodin's deceitful social climber. Stiller describes his co-star Michelle Monaghan as ldquo;the most likable person,rdquo; which Cybill Shepherd may also be, but not when she played a spoiled debutante rummaging through boy toys.p>Each character in the remake is nice, which has everything to do with box office appeal and nothing to do with The Heartbreak Kid. What's the point of a remake, if you ignore the original's point?p>This Heartbreak Kid is a predictably Stiller-esque vehicle: decent guy marries Miss Right then discovers Miss Righter and we're led by the nose to agree. Nose jokes are big in the new version; a deviated septum spewing tequila and an oversized pill stuck in a nostril.p>Rather than crashing high society, Stiller's Eddie Cantrow (apparently ldquo;Lennyrdquo; sounds too Jewish today) on the Mississippi middle class since Southerners are easier targets. His bride Lila (Malin Akerman) is a mildly irritating WASP sexpot instead of Jeannie Berlin's Oscar-nominated yenta-in-training that made Grodin's intentions suspect from the get-go. Certainly Monaghan's Miranda is a better catch that Shepherd's Kelly, whose irresistible superficiality spoke volumes about what misguided men want.p>The Farrellys include enough minor touches to prove they saw May's version, then pile on their own brand of comedy by embarrassment. Mexico replaces Miami Beach as a setting because that paves the way to Speedy Gonzalez stereotypes and Eddie hunted as an illegal alien. The sunburn keeping the bride out of the way is now fourth-degree blistering. Anything subtle from the original is forgotten; anything funny is exaggerated beyond recognition.p>A smarter move would have been to stick with the blueprint but switch genders, making a woman into the player and men as her romantic dominos. Even the gross-out material would benefit. As it stands, there are two heartbreak kids here, and they're brothers.p>The Heartbreak Kidp>Grade: Cp>Directors: Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrellyp>Cast: Ben Stiller, Michelle Monaghan, Malin Akerman, Jerry Stiller, Rob Corddry, Carlos Mencia, Scott Wilson, Polly Hollidayp>Screenplay: Scot Armstrong, Leslie Dixon, Kevin Barnett, Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly, based on Neil Simonrsquo;s 1972 screenplay, which was inspired by the short story A Change of Plan by Bruce Jay Friedmanp>Rating: R; pervasive crude humor, strong profanity, sexual situations, brief nudityp>Running time: 115 min./>